Floating in a strange, infinite void is a CHESSBOARD. Upon it are 32 pieces, 16 white and 16 black, arranged in standard formation. No moves have been made.
This is not a normal game of chess. There are no rules determining how a piece may move, nor what one may be capable of. There are only two rules to follow here.
1) Sides take turns in alternating order.
2) The game is over when one side manages to execute the other's KING.
Other rules may be added as the game progresses.
What shall the first move on this board be?
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
>ROARING KNIGHT: Dig up DIRT on WW. There's gotta be something there.
The ROARING KNIGHT watches the WHITE WARLOCK closely. It doesn't have evidence of any wrongdoing, but there's a HUNCH nagging at the back of its mind...
The WHITE WARLOCK whispers conspiratorially with its APPRENTICE and the CACTUS FARMER PAWN. The KNIGHT can't hear what they're saying, but it seems rather heated.
Fortunately, we can understand their conversation perfectly. The CACTUS FARMER PAWN is agreeing to help rig the ELECTION and help the WHITE WARLOCK with whatever other schemes it has- but in exchange, the WHITE WARLOCK must help it assassinate the BLACK ADJUDICATOR and, if it shows its face again, the GREY JESTER as well.
The WHITE WARLOCK asks what the CACTUS FARMER PAWN has against the ADJUDICATOR, and the CACTUS FARMER PAWN says look, do you want the election rigged or not?
The WARLOCK figures that having one less ADJUDICATOR will probably be good for business in the long run, so it doesn't push the issue.
The CACTUS FARMER PAWN begins hushed negotiations with the TALL ROOK.
Meanwhile the WHITE WARLOCK'S APPRENTICE uses a POTION to turn itself BLUE.
The WARLOCK has questions about this- questions like, "What is WRONG with you?" and "Why are you blue?" The APPRENTICE replies that it was a strategy suggested by the FARMER PAWN. Whoever is the most INTERESTING gets the most ATTENTION, and whoever gets the most ATTENTION is the person most likely to win. Or at least that's how the FARMER explained it.
It's a pretty good strategy, but the WARLOCK is FURIOUS that anyone other than it would tell its apprentice what to do. The APPRENTICE is already blue, that can't be changed, but the WARLOCK forbids it from taking orders without running them by it first.
>ROARING KNIGHT: Question legitimacy of SUMMONED PAWNs as voters.
The ROARING KNIGHT asks if the SUMMONED PAWNs' votes should really count. If the BLACK BISHOP B controls their will, that basically gives the BLACK BISHOP B three extra votes compared to everyone else's one.
The BLACK BISHOP B hisses at the ROARING KNIGHT to SHUT UP, because both of them are voting for the same person anyway so the advantage is theirs. The ROARING KNIGHT rebuts that the advantage is still an UNFAIR ONE.
The BLACK ADJUDICATOR agrees with the knight! The SUMMONED PAWNS are stripped of their voting rights. In the true spirit of COMPROMISE, nobody actually wins and the world sucks a little more.
>ROARING KNIGHT: Report WW's criminal activity to the ADJUDICATOR.
It hasn't done anything illegal! At least not yet, not that the KNIGHT can prove. It needs to keep an eye on it for a little longer, and also see if there's any other CRIME going on across the board that it can report to the ADJUDICATOR.
>BLACK BISHOP A: Become MOIRAILS with BLACK QUEEN B.
Neither of these pieces are certain MOIRAILEGANCE is a concept that exists in this reality! The QUEEN is familiar with the concept, but the BISHOP is completely in the dark.
Real or not, no PACIFICATION is necessary in either direction!
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
Black Bishop A: nominate that plucky B-pawn as your sucessor and step down from your diocese.
got bandersnatches? i,uh, can handle that for you,
Tall White Rook: Leverage voter apathy. Encourage black pawns not to vote because they will never be as tall or handsome as you.
>BLACK BISHOP A: Nominate the plucky BLACK PAWN B as your successor and step down from diocese.
The BLACK BISHOP A isn't planning on stepping down any time soon! But, it's always good to have a backup plan. The BLACK BISHOP A dictates that, in the event of its death or capture, the BLACK PAWN B is to be PROMOTED to BISHOP.
>Tall White Rook: Leverage voter apathy. Encourage black pawns not to vote because they will never be as tall or handsome as you.
The TALL WHITE ROOK steps up and starts beginning a speech, despite not being an approved candidate!
It tells the BLACK PAWNs to embrace apathy. PAWNS will never have the status, nor the HEIGHT, nor the abominable HANDSOMENESS ATTRIBUTE higher and whiter pieces possess. PAWN sentiment against HIGH-RANKING and WHITE pieces is at an all time high!
The BLACK ADJUDICATOR captures the TALL WHITE ROOK to shut it up.
The TALL WHITE ROOK is momentarily shocked before it gets its bearings. Oh, this must be the CAPTURELIFE, the AFTERLIFE that chess pieces get sent to when they get CAPTURED. That's pretty cool, the TALL WHITE ROOK always assumed it wasn't a real, physical location.
It used its HEIGHT POWERS to make a staircase leading back up to the surface! The SUMMONED PAWNS are displaced by the spell.
The TALL WHITE ROOK continues its tirade as if nothing happened! AND ANOTHER THING ABOUT PAWNS!
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
Grey Knight: investigate stairway left by Tall White Rook
got bandersnatches? i,uh, can handle that for you,
White Pawn E, Black Pawn D & Black Rook B: Disregard stair and keep digging. TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BOARD!
Also. My shipping web. It's ruined. :,o(
White Pawn B, F, G & H: Stack on top of each other to show the TALL WHITE ROOK pawns' STRANGHT IN NUMBERS ATRIBUTE. Also you guys haven't done anything yet
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
>GREY KNIGHT: Investigate TALL WHITE ROOK's stairway.
What the hell is going on up here?
Looks like the TALL WHITE ROOK and the BLACK ADJUDICATOR are engrossed in an argument. The ADJUDICATOR is complaining that the TALL WHITE ROOK is breaking the rules, and the TALL WHITE ROOK is pointing out that there are no rules. The ADJUDICATOR rebuts that pieces being able to come back from the DEAD is not a rule of the game but a rule of reality. The ROOK doesn't really know what to say, it was able to get up here so obviously it can happen.
The GREY KNIGHT thinks this is all a bunch of nonsense!
On the podium, the BLACK PAWN B draws in a breath. That KNIGHT... Could it be?
>ALL IRRELEVANT PAWNS: Stack together as a display of your STRENGTH IN NUMBERS.
The four unremarkable WHITE PAWNS, tired of their irrelevance, band together to prove their worth.
They stack together to form WHITE PAWNAMID, a structure that is as mighty as it is precarious and slow-moving!
...Maybe it'd be better with some FUSION MAGIC, but still. Who says pawns can't have HEIGHT now, huh?
>HOLE CREW: Continue digging. Dig till you reach the BOTTOM OF THE BOARD!
The BLACK PAWN E pulls up a floor tile and finds empty space underneath. Light shines up from an unknown source below.
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
White Pawnamid: Retrieve textbook on light magic and begin researching FUSION MAGIC.
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
BLUE PAWN: Begin painting tiles blue for movement purposes.
>HOLE CREW: Descend.
The three remaining members of the HOLE CREW, (plus a SUMMONED PAWN that fell down here,) stare down into the hole. It's a long fall.
The WHITE PAWN D uses its PARACHUTE to get down, and the BLACK PAWN E holds onto it.
The LEVITATING BLACK ROOK floats down after them.
They find themselves in the ADJUDICATORS' LAIR.
The WHITE ADJUDICATOR appears not to have noticed them yet.
>White Pawnamid: Retrieve textbook on light magic and begin researching FUSION MAGIC.
They doubt the BOOK ON LIGHT MAGIC will help. The LIGHT MAGIC volumes have a lot of BASIC KNOWLEDGE in them, but to fuse FOUR WHOLE PIECES together some more advanced reading will be required. They retrieve the book on FUSION MAGIC from the LIBRARIUM at once.
>BLUE PAWN: Begin painting tiles blue for movement purposes.
The BLUE PAWN begins painting tiles BLUE. Only the BLUE PAWN is allowed to walk on these tiles.
That's not an actual rule, of course, just a request on the BLUE PAWN's part. It will get upset though, and whoever steps in it will get WET PAINT on them.
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
> White pawn D: quickly add ADJUDICATOR'S SECRET BOOK of ULTIMATE SECRETS to the white side's library.
> White Pawnramid: gain 4x BRAINSTORM bonus on top of 3x bonus for learning light magic as a member of the white side to result in a shocking 1 turn research speed for ultimate light magic.
> White adjudicator: you keep seeing blurry shapes moving around in your vision. Maybe you should go down a few hundred floors to the optician's and get your prescription changed. It's not like your roommate is here to mess up all your stuff again.
Levitating Black Rook: Help BLACK PAWN C and BLACK PAWN A up to the ADJUDICATORS' LAIR. If BLACK PAWN A is too far down, forget them. Honestly, they deserve their fate for trying to capture the GRAY KNIGHT.
BLACK PAWN H: Give a surprisingly decent yet mildly disconcerting speech.
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
>White pawn D: quickly add ADJUDICATOR'S SECRET BOOK of ULTIMATE SECRETS to the white side's library.
The WHITE PAWN D gazes reverently up at the BOOK floating against the back wall of the room. It looks like the fabled GRANDMASTER'S GUIDE, a compendium of ALL KNOWLEDGE about the world of CHESS, including all VARIANTS that could possibly be played, every ITEM in existence, every MAGICAL POWER and PIECE and every single one of their capabilities. It is said to be extremely rare, and only ADJUDICATORS may read it.
Naturally the PAWNS get to work STEALING the tome.
Or, attempting to anyway. Looks like it can't be sent to either side's library. Shoot. They could probably still read it, if they wanted.
>WHITE ADJUDICATOR: There are some fuzzy things in the corner of your vision. Maybe go downstairs several hundred floors to the OPTOMETRIST to get your eyes checked? It's a perfect opportunity what with your ROOMMATE having stepped out.
ADJUDICATORs don't have EYES, no PIECEs do, so they don't have optometrists either. Nice try, though.
The WHITE ADJUDICATOR is engrossed with POTION BREWING. It'll probably be distracted for a while, the other pieces have got time.
>LEVITATING BLACK ROOK: Help the BLACK PAWN A and the BLACK PAWN C up to the ADJUDICATORS' LAIR.
Hmm. It doesn't seem to be as simple as using levitate on the BLACK ROOK C to make it float upwards, the LEVITATING BLACK ROOK can only use the power on itself.
The DESCENDING BLACK PAWN says hey. The LEVITATING BLACK ROOK says sup.
The ROOK asks why the PAWN didn't try to drift through the gap in the wall into the LAIR. The PAWN says that gap wasn't there until a few seconds ago. Looks like there's some sort of FOG OF WAR preventing the PIECEs from seeing rooms that haven't been discovered yet from the outside.
>BLACK PAWN H: Give a surprisingly decent yet mildly disconcerting speech.
The CANDIDATE BLACK PAWN begins a speech. A speech about POWER. About how PAWNS have NO POWER in this confounded system. They work and they toil and they follow orders and for what? The gratification of higher-ranking pieces, while the PAWNS never get their due even at risk of CAPTURE or worse?
No, says the CANDIDATE PAWN. It- It means, WE- deserve better.
When it's in power, PAWNS WILL HAVE THEIR DAY. There will be JUSTICE. ORDER. LEVEL-HEADED RULE. All the pawns and pawn sympathizers need to do is VOTE H.
Meanwhile, the WHITE PAWNS master FUSION MAGIC. Ordinarily this would take 8 turns, but their quadruple bonus in research speed lowered that estimate to a blindingly fast 2. They are now masters of all things FUSION.
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
Pawnamid: FUSE! Fuse in to the rare and highly dangerous 4x PAWN COMBO PIECE!
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
*into
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
>Pawnamid: FUSE! Fuse in to the rare and highly dangerous 4x PAWN COMBO PIECE!
The PAWNS expend their most powerful FUSION MAGIC to permanently merge into one form!
MEGAPAWN is created. A noble warrior with JUSTICE in its heart and GLORY in its bones.
Legends say it cannot be killed nor captured. It doesn't know if these legends are true. But they certainly FEEL true. MEGAPAWN is ready to take on the world, and then some.
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
Gray Jester: Reappear and split into BLUE JESTER and ORANGE JESTER.
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
LEVITATING BLACK ROOK: Use resources gained from digging in conjunction with your ROOK CONSTRUCTION POWERS to finally save BLACK PAWN C.
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
MEGAPAWN: Be moved by Black Pawn H's speech and join him in the struggle for JUSTICE FOR ALL PAWNS.
