Floating in a strange, infinite void is a CHESSBOARD. Upon it are 32 pieces, 16 white and 16 black, arranged in standard formation. No moves have been made.
This is not a normal game of chess. There are no rules determining how a piece may move, nor what one may be capable of. There are only two rules to follow here.
1) Sides take turns in alternating order.
2) The game is over when one side manages to execute the other's KING.
Other rules may be added as the game progresses.
What shall the first move on this board be?
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WHITE FARMER PAWN: Grow some CLEANSING ALOE to remove the BLACK ADJUDICATOR's buffs, and a CACTUS BAT to use as a weapon.
The WHITE FARMER PAWN will make do with what it has. It plants some SUCCULENTS for later use. They'll take some time to grow.
BLACK QUEEN B: Discover a complex gender identity which allows you to be a BLACK KING and BLACK QUEEN simultaneously.
The BLACK QUEEN B says thanks, but no thanks! It knew what it would be sacrificing to get where it is, and it wouldn't have it any other way. Someone else can govern the BLACK SIDE.
BLACK ROOK B: Squawk like an imbecile and dig another hole in the board.
Lucky for it, another hole is already being dug! It'll help these pieces out instead.
It does do some SQUAWKing though, because it's very fun to fly around pretending to be a bird. The other three pieces are annoyed, but they appreciate the help.
WHITE WARLOCK: Divert funds to support the candidate who will cause the most chaos.
It can't start its empire without a little chaos! It can't decide which candidate would be best, though. The POWER-HUNGRY BLACK PAWN is a loose cannon, and the YANDERE BLACK PAWN is an even looser one. The WHITE KNIGHT CANDIDATE would give a lot more power to the WHITE SIDE, but it isn't sure that would help its burgeoning DRUG EMPIRE.
It could always try finding a patsy it can control, and entering them into the race. Who'd fit that description, it wonders?
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Black Pawn H: sow division amongst your foes (i.e. everyone) by spreading scurrilous rumours.
got bandersnatches? i,uh, can handle that for you,
Roaring Knight: Run for black presidency.
> BLACK QUEEN A: Turn out to be transmasc, Crow Strider style.
> BLACK PAWN (?) & WHITE PAWN (?): Develop unexpected yaoi subplot only fractionally relevant to whatever is currently happening.
BLACK PAWN H: Sow discord among your foes by spreading rumors.
It takes to social media, immediately making a bunch of disparaging posts about everyone else involved in the race. This'll do it some good in the court of public opinion.
ROARING KNIGHT: Run for black presidency.
None of the KNIGHTs are quite sure which one of them is meant to be the ROARING one?
Maybe this NOIR KNIGHT? Maybe it's a play on ROARING TWENTIES? Okay, yeah, that makes sense. From now on the BLACK KNIGHT in the CLASSY HAT is to be addressed as the ROARING KNIGHT.
It doesn't run, though. It's more the type to jadedly disregard AUTHORITY rather than make it itself.
> BLACK QUEEN A: Turn out to be transmasc, Crow Strider style.
CHESS PIECEs don't really have much of an attachment to their GENDERs- they rarely have assigned ones at all, really, and usually they default to it/its regardless. The BLACK QUEEN A, however, has a personal attachment to femininity- how can it harness the power of YURI with its wife otherwise?
Besides, it wouldn't want to use the sacred magic of TRANSITION just for a grab at power. That strikes it as sort of insensitive.
BLACK PAWN ? and WHITE PAWN ?: Develop YAOI subplot.
The WHITE PAWN B and the BLACK PAWN G catch each other's eyes across the board. Bishie sparkles begin flying almost immediately.
These two will continue to act exactly as normal, except whenever they make contact they'll start blushing and stammering. Because obviously, as pawns, both of them are ukes.
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> BLACK PAWN C: retrieve spellbook on levitation majyyks from librarium.
alternatively...
> BLACK PAWN C: cut chute. discover that void plain loops back around to the skybox. take out the BLACK ADJUDICATOR using excessive velocity.
censor THIS.
Roaring Knight: Retrieve textbook on negative luminance from librarium.
BLACK PAWN C: Retrieve spellbook on LEVITATION MAJYYX from the LIBRARIUM.
The book on LEVITATION MAJJYX is not in the librarium, due to an embarrassing incident the BLACK PAWN C doesn't really wanna talk about.
BLACK PAWN C: Cut chute, fall into skybox until you loop around to the top of the board. Try to aim for the ADJUDICATOR.
Oh, the skybox doesn't loop. The BLACK PAWN C found that out the same day it lost the book on LEVITATION MAJJYX. It dropped it over the edge hoping to measure how long it took to come back, and it just... Never did. It doesn't know where the skybox goes, but it most certainly does not come back around.
ROARING KNIGHT: Retrieve TEXTBOOK on NEGATIVE LUMINANCE from the LIBRARIUM.
NEGATIVE LUMINANCE? What, like DARK MAGIC? It already knows the basics of DARK MAGIC by heart, same as every BLACK PIECE, and the same way WHITE PIECES are naturally gifted at LIGHT MAGIC. Those are the magics that allow for basic MOVEMENT, CAPTURING, COMPLEX THOUGHT and SUMMONING, what gives chess pieces that special spice that lets them move and act independently of any PLAYERs. Didn't you go to school?
The BLACK ADJUDICATOR is getting impatient and pushy! It asks if there are any more candidates who want to step up to plate before applications close.
The WHITE PAWN E begs the WHITE QUEEN for the means to DISGUISE ITSELF AS A BLACK PAWN, to little avail.
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> WHITE WARLOCK: persuade that APPRENTICE of yours to enter the race for black monarchy. spread those wings and flyyy god damn it.
censor THIS.
WHITE WARLOCK: Persuade that APPRENTICE to enter the race for black monarchy.
The WHITE WARLOCK shoves the WHITE APPRENTICE into the race just as the ADJUDICATOR calls the end of applications. It is added to the campaign roster and placed on a CEREMONIAL PEDESTAL that the ADJUDICATOR created just now out of the board.
From the BLACK SIDE, we have... TWO PAWNS? THAT'S IT? REALLY? Well, okay. Two pawns, one regular and one fashionable. From the WHITE SIDE we have ONE PAWN in a SUSPICIOUS HAZMAT SUIT and ONE KNIGHT.
Oh how democracy has fallen, the ADJUDICATOR thinks. Well, let's get this shitshow on the road.
The BLACK ADJUDICATOR sets some preliminary RULES and takes a poll of the BLACK SIDE's opinion.
The BLACK PAWNs are tied. Every PAWN on the black side voted for one of their own, because PAWNS are the only pieces who believe PAWN LEADERSHIP would be a good idea. The BLACK PAWN H got one more PAWN VOTE than the BLACK PAWN B, but the BLACK BISHOP A voted for the BLACK PAWN B because it admires its moxie.
One of the BLACK PAWNs abstained from voting because it was too busy digging a HOLE. Same for the LEVITATING ROOK. The GREY KNIGHT was also digging the same hole, but it wouldn't have been counted anyway because it is not recognized as a BLACK PIECE.
The WHITE APPRENTICE got one PITY VOTE from the TEMPORALLY DISPLACED BLACK ROOK.
The ROARING KNIGHT and the BLACK BISHOP B both vote for the WHITE KNIGHT B. Neither of them like endorsing a WHITE PIECE, but they don't think anything below a ROOK would have what it takes to lead. The BLACK BISHOP B orders its summoned POT OF GREED PAWNS to vote for the WHITE KNIGHT CANDIDATE. With them under its control, the BLACK BISHOP B controls a significant portion of the vote.
The BLACK ADJUDICATOR adjusts the podiums' HEIGHT VALUES according to each piece's POPULARITY. Each candidate will now have to give a SPEECH, after which another VOTE will be cast, and then each of them will complete one PROJECT for the BETTERMENT OF THE BLACK SIDE, After which a third VOTE will be taken. Once all that's done, whoever's PODIUM is tallest will become the new BLACK KING.
And of course while all that is happening all of the other side plots will be allowed to continue as well, because it wouldn't be FUN otherwise.
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> White Knight B: Give a passionate speech about how both sides start with the same pieces and pawns are dumb so they can't be trusted not to get you thrown of the side of the board.
Black Pawn C: Listen to I've Got Some Falling to Do by Lemon Demon.
Black Pawn A: Change Chessbook status to UNDEAD.
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
WHITE PAWN A: Meddle with democratic process in a manner meaningful enough to anger the BLACK ABJUDICATOR.
BLACK PAWN B: Appease with the pawn populace in contrast with WHITE KNIGHT B's elitist rhetoric. Do the three summoned pawns count for votes?
BLACK ROOK A: Travel into the future to see election results.
Black Adjudicator: Evaluate current board position in UNFATHOMABLE TOME OF CHESS MIDGAMES to let the audience gain their bearings.
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
>WHITE KNIGHT B: Begin PASSIONATE SPEECH.
The CANDIDATE WHITE KNIGHT attempts to win favor with the black pieces with a message of equality. Both sides, it points out, start with the same pieces, only in different colors. There is no difference, it states, between a KNIGHT carved of WHITE marble and one carved of BLACK.
There is, however, a tangible difference between the TYPES of piece. PAWNS tend to be good at following orders, and often overestimate themselves. BISHOPS are born MAGIC USERS and ROOKS are great BUILDERs. And KNIGHTS, of course, are WARRIORS. Who, it asks, would the BLACK SIDE rather have running it: A piece with AUTHORITY, who can FIGHT FOR ITS PEOPLE, or an OVERAMBITIOUS UPSTART? If the BLACK SIDE elects a PAWN, there is no doubt pieces will begin to drop off the board like flies.
The BLACK PAWN B says no they wouldn't, and how dare the WHITE KNIGHT accuse it of that, and how much does the WHITE KNIGHT know?
It addresses the BLACK PAWNs in the crowd. Do they really want a leader who thinks so old-fashionedly, it asks? One who thinks PAWNS are incapable of great things merely due to their RANK? Do they think this piece deserves to lead simply because it was carved into a more ornate shape?
The pawns are whipped into a frenzy, even the SUMMONED PAWNS who by law have no autonomy. Support massively grows in the BLACK PAWN B's favor.
>WHITE PAWN A: Anger BLACK ADJUDICATOR by meddling with DEMOCRATIC PROCESS.
The CACTUS FARMER PAWN begins to speak with the WHITE APPRENTICE. Being both a WHITE PIECE and a PAWN, the APPRENTICE is the least qualified for the position- which is why the CACTUS FARMER PAWN wants to rig the election so it wins. That'll really get the ADJUDICATOR's goat.
It asks to speak to the APPRENTICE's CAMPAIGN MANAGER immediately. The APPRENTICE postpones its speech.
>Black Pawn C: Listen to I've Got Some Falling to Do by Lemon Demon.
The BLACK PAWN C approves of this submitter's music taste!
But the further down it gets, the spottier its PSYCHIC CONNECTION to the rest of the board becomes. The song is stuck buffering, and likely won't play until the whole thing has loaded.
>BLACK PAWN A: Change status to UNDEAD.
The BLACK PAWN A is having the same problem. Its status won't update nor will its posts go through. Seems like the further you fall, the worse your connection becomes.
>BLACK ROOK A: Travel into the future to see election results.
The FUTURE TIME-TRAVELLING ROOK appears to pull its PAST SELF further into the future.
The BLACK ROOK A asks it where it got all those augmentations, it doesn't look like any technology its ever seen. The BLACK ROOK A says it'll explain later. Both of them vanish into time.
It doesn't take the perspective with it, of course, so we don't get to see what the future is like, at least not until it actually happens. If we listened close, we could almost hear the BLACK ROOK A's shocked responses. Wow, THAT'S who won? It never would have guessed! WHAT happened to WHO? They found WHAT down there? SO MANY ANSWERS!
>Black Adjudicator: Evaluate current board position in UNFATHOMABLE TOME OF CHESS MIDGAMES to let the audience gain their bearings.
Of course, the BLACK ADJUDICATOR says. It has the book memorized, and knows the standard procedure for this point in a game, and will deliver it in RECAP format.
At this point. in this particular variant of chess, a number of SUBPLOTS will begin to emerge out of the chaos. Several of these SUBPLOTS are playing out across the board as we speak.
For instance, the recent TRANSITION of the BLACK KING into the BLACK QUEEN B, the first major event in this game's timeline. The BLACK ROYALTY had been working hard to perform the necessary ritual after the unlucky monarch was stranded atop a PILLAR by a WHITE ROOK. The TRANSITION was achieved after much tribulation, but as soon as it figures out how to get down safely it's going to enjoy BEING IN YURI with its wife.
Also interested in the BLACK QUEEN- or rather, BOTH BLACK QUEENs- is the WHITE QUEEN. It hopes to have both BLACK QUEENs as its wives or maybe its concubines, or perhaps vice versa. The minutiae don't really matter to it, what matters is that it wants to be together with them. Forever. Unfortunately its efforts to get in on that YURI ACTION are hindered by its COURT attempting their own petty power grabs.
But while treachery boils on the surface, unexpected CAMRADERIE is found below ground. A number of PIECES have found themselves stuck together on the pseudo-afterlife layer that CHESS PIECES go to when they get captured. Their interest in the events transpiring on the SURFACE has waned, and now they're busy digging out a HOLE to see what else lies beneath the board. Among them are a WHITE PAWN who initially discovered the second layer, the BLACK PAWN who was attempting to capture it at the time, a GREY KNIGHT exiled from both sides and captured by surprise, and a BLACK ROOK gifted the power of levitation by a RANDOM EVENT OF CHAOS.
Also below the board are two BLACK PAWNS- one who fell OVERBOARD after a tactical misstep, and one who was THROWN OVER as revenge after capturing the GREY KNIGHT. Both are stuck falling at different speeds into the presumably-infinite void the board extends into. Neither of them knows what lies below, and both are simply trying to pass the time.
Finally and most relevantly is the ELECTION. After the BLACK QUEEN B's transition left its side KINGLESS, measures were taken to ensure a new KING takes the throne. Currently running are a POWER-HUNGRY BLACK PAWN, a VIOLENT BLACK PAWN WITH A CRUSH ON THE GREY KNIGHT, an ELITIST WHITE KNIGHT, and the APPRENTICE to the white side's PREMIER CRIMINAL MASTERMIND.
Also running around are a ROOK FROM THE FUTURE abducting its past self for its own MYSTERIOUS ENDS, a DETECTIVE KNIGHT concerned with ORDER AND JUSTICE, a NEUTRAL CLOWN with REALITY-ALTERING POWERS, and a pair of ROOKS with domain over all things HEIGHT.
The ADJUDICATOR hopes this recap was sufficient. It's very busy, you know, managing the election and all? It's being very smug about it, and you kind of hope it GETS ITS JUST DESSERTS.
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White Rook A: Do something. Literally anything. Your tallification was the first move of this ridicules farce. Do something relevant.
Roaring Knight: Dig up some good ol' fashioned DIRT on WW. You can smell there's somethin afoot there.
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
Oh, yeah, I forgot this one.
Black Bishop A & Black Queen B: Become moirales.
I understand All of the time travel in Homestuck. All of it.
APPRENTICE: Become blue using chemicals to confuse the voters about which color piece they should favor.
> Roaring Knight: Question legitimacy of DARK GREEN PAWNS as voters.