Floating in a strange, infinite void is a CHESSBOARD. Upon it are 32 pieces, 16 white and 16 black, arranged in standard formation. No moves have been made.
This is not a normal game of chess. There are no rules determining how a piece may move, nor what one may be capable of. There are only two rules to follow here.
1) Sides take turns in alternating order.
2) The game is over when one side manages to execute the other's KING.
Other rules may be added as the game progresses.
What shall the first move on this board be?
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BLACK BISHOP B: Use POT OF GREED to add three additional pawns to the ranks.
Due to POT OF GREED's famously BUSTED nature, the BLACK BISHOP B doesn't need any RESEARCH to use it.
Three PAWNs are SUMMONED to the board to fight for the BLACK SIDE.
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WHITE QUEEN(?): Steal (or send other piece to do so) BLACK BISHOP A's dark magic book for purposes of Gaylology.
alternatively:
GREY JESTER(???): Materialize in the middle of the board.
i don't have anything to suggest but i love this
Black Pawn C: Change ChessBook status to falling
Black Bishop A: Ask if anyone has a ladder!!! The Black King needs her estrogen. You worry about her declining mental health the longer it takes
— matpat
GREY KNIGHT GO EVERY DIRECTION IN RAPID SUCCESSION BUT DO NOT TAKE ANY PIECES
the epilogues are the best part of homestuck
GREY NIGHT PLEASE MAKE SURE TO END UP BACK AT YOUR STARTING POSITION***** FORGOT TO MENTION THIS SORRY GREY KNIGHT
the epilogues are the best part of homestuck
Three newly-summoned pawns: Stack yourselves on top of each other to become the ULTRAPAWN.
WHITE PAWN D: pool resources with BLACK PAWN E to build a crafting table
WHITE QUEEN: Send someone to STEAL the BLACK BISHOP A's book of DARK MAGIC. For the purposes of GAYOLOGY.
The WHITE QUEEN wants that book. It's never really cared for the WHITE KING, their marriage was more for power than anything. But the BLACK QUEEN across the way, now there's a fine specimen. The WHITE QUEEN is confident that if it can get that DARK TOME, it'll be able to get what it wants.
It can't go over there itself, it'd get killed.
But it knows just the piece for the job.
BLACK BISHOP A: Look for a way to get you and the KING in the same place so you can TRANSITION it.
The BLACK BISHOP A ponders how it's going to get up there, or how it's going to get the KING down. Maybe something in the DARK TOME will be able to tell it about MOVEMENT MAGIC.
Where'd the DARK TOME get off to, anyway?
BLACK has not made a move. It is still BLACK's turn.
THREE SUMMONED PAWNS: Stack together to become the ULTRAPAWN.
As has previously been established, PIECE MERGING is an incredibly powerful DARK MAGIC! They'll have to get a BISHOP to RESEARCH PIECE MERGING, provided the BISHOP still has access to its DARK TOME, which they have no reason to believe it doesn't.
BLACK has still not made a move. It is STILL BLACK's turn.
BLACK PAWN C: Change CHESSBOOK status to FALLING.
With nothing better to do, the BLACK PAWN C uses the PSYCHIC INTERNET CONNECTION all chess pieces have to open CHESSBOOK, the social media of choice for all PAWNs.
There, that should adequately explain what's going on to anyone who might be wondering. It changes its profile picture too, while it's at it.
It is now WHITE's turn.
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WHITE PAWN D: POOL RESOURCES with BLACK PAWN E to create a CRAFTING TABLE.
Both PAWNs see what they have available. Each of them has one NEATLY FOLDED PARACHUTE, and the ability to conjure any low-level BOOK from their respective side's LIBRARY (provided nobody else has it on them at the moment.)
Additionally, the WHITE PAWN D has the TILE it pried up to get down here in the first place. Could be useful. They don't have the required FOUR WOOD PLANKS, though. Maybe if they conjured enough BOOKS they could reverse-engineer the PAPER back into WOOD?
BLACK PAWN E: Betray the WHITE PAWN D and push it off the side of the board.
Maybe. But later.
GREY KNIGHT: Begin a TOUR around the chessboard.
The BOARD isn't fit for a proper TOUR, but okay. The GREY KNIGHT begins to wander around the board, covering as much ground as possible.
It passes by the BLACK PAWN B, who has donned a PRETTY BOW to indicate SEXUAL AVAILABILITY. The GREY KNIGHT nods in approval.
GREY JESTER: Materialize.
A GREY JESTER randomly wills itself into the story, as JESTERs are known to do. It serves its own whims and nobody else's. The GREY JESTER will follow NO USER COMMANDs.
It goes without saying that the GREY JESTER and the GREY KNIGHT are MORTAL ENEMIES.
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BLACK PAWN C: Play one of these crappy CHESSBOOK games while falling
WHITE KNIGHT A: Get absorbed in online CHESSBOOK game match with falling BLACK PAWN C
GREY KNIGHT ENGAGE IN VERY MANY ATTACKS ON GREY JESTER!!! NOW IS YOUR CHANCE WHILE HE IS DISTRACTED FROM FRESH MATERIALIZATION!
the epilogues are the best part of homestuck
WAIT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! D:
the epilogues are the best part of homestuck
White Bishop A: Change your name to Walter White and take a pawn as your apprentice for your 100% legal business
— matpat
Black Pawn B: If Grey Knight gets captured, attempt to kill its captor
— matpat
BLACK PAWN C: Play a CHESSBOOK GAME
WHITE KNIGHT A: Play a CHESSBOOK game.
Typically pieces higher-rank than a ROOK use BOARDSPACE, but CHESSBOOK is sort of a GUILTY PLEASURE for this KNIGHT.
It starts playing some sort of ONLINE CARD GAME with a user by the name of BLACK PAWN C. It doesn't really know the RULES. It feels like maybe there aren't any.
Oh, huh. Looks like this is a FARMING SIM. Or maybe it started out as just a simulation of a bunch of CARDS on a TABLE and it evolved FARMING SIM mechanics over time. BLACK PAWN C gets a head start on the HEART CROP while WHITE KNIGHT A figures out the controls.
BLACK PAWN A: Capture GREY KNIGHT
The GREY KNIGHT tells the BLACK PAWN B not to worry, it'll take care of this joker before you can say-
The GREY KNIGHT has been CAPTURED.
Nobody knows where PIECES go when they get CAPTURED. It's believed they DISAPPEAR to SOME OTHER PLANE, never to be seen again. That's another of BLACK PAWN B's romantic prospects lost to the unknown.
So it kind of LOSES IT.
It only realizes in hindsight that this may have been a little OVERBOARD.
It needs to get rid of the body.
Meanwhile, the GREY KNIGHT discovers where PIECES go when they get CAPTURED.
WHITE BISHOP A: Begin an ILLEGAL DRUG business, recruit a PAWN to help.
The WHITE BISHOP A is tired of its mediocre life. Standing next to the QUEEN is great and all, but it's not satisfying. Being such a high-ranking RELIGIOUS FIGURE isn't enough. It needs to really PROVE ITSELF.
It changes its name to the WHITE WARLOCK (W.W.) and dons a HAZMAT SUIT.
The PAWN in front of it, eager to follow a superior's directions, does the same. Now all they need to do is figure out how to MANUFACTURE ILLEGAL DRUGS without getting caught. Shouldn't be too difficult.
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Black Pawn B: Capture the body to make it disappear. Easiest way to dispose of body. Either that or throw it off the board ledge there’s no time!!
— matpat