Floating in a strange, infinite void is a CHESSBOARD. Upon it are 32 pieces, 16 white and 16 black, arranged in standard formation. No moves have been made.
This is not a normal game of chess. There are no rules determining how a piece may move, nor what one may be capable of. There are only two rules to follow here.
1) Sides take turns in alternating order.
2) The game is over when one side manages to execute the other's KING.
Other rules may be added as the game progresses.
What shall the first move on this board be?
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
White Bishop B: Examine LIBRARY.
WHITE QUEEN: Read the BOOK of DARK MAGIC.
Black Rooks: FLY, FLY MY PRETTIES
"This is StuckUnderHell, nor am I out of it." - Mephistopheles
WHITE KING: BOARDSPACE and CHESSBOOK are for worthless, low-level, proletarian pieces. Proceed to use CHECKGRAM to flame the other side's royalty.
>Black Knight: Develop a powerful sense of justice, gain a detective hat
White Bishop A: Discover communism, become commissar instead
Spades Slick is a butch lesbian 2k25 (Big Felt doesn't want you to know)
BLACK PAWN B: CAPTURE the body to make it disappear.
It can't CAPTURE a member of its OWN TEAM! It drags the body to the edge and drops it.
Behind it, the CYBER-BLACK ROOK and the PAST BLACK ROOK A from 5 turns ago appear.
WHITE BISHOP B: Examine LIBRARY.
It isn't sure it can? The LIBRARY is kind of an INTANGIBLE POCKET DIMENSION, it's pretty sure. PIECES can just sort of... summon and unsummon books from them at will. Some of the books are available to both sides, and some are only available to one.
It could send the book there now, but the WHITE QUEEN wants to read it, and the TURN won't be complete until she does.
WHITE QUEEN: Read DARK TOME.
Yes, yes! The WHITE QUEEN intends to use the power of the book to make itself IRRESISTABLE. Then the BLACK QUEEN will be its bride!
BLACK ROOK A and BLACK ROOK B: Fly! Fly, my pretties!
The BLACK ROOK B doesn't think it can do that. It'll need to learn MOVEMENT MAGIC first. It makes a note to ask the BISHOP for the DARK TOME asap.
The BLACK ROOK A just got back from the past and doesn't know what's going on. Also, it's pretty sure it just witnessed the tail end of a murder.
Neither of them do anything, though, so it's still BLACK's turn.
BLACK KNIGHT: Develop a powerful sense of JUSTICE, don DETECTIVE HAT.
Sure thing, toots.
It's a dark day on the BOARD. It isn't actually dark, and the BLACK KNIGHT isn't sure it's day either. The sky is stuck in some liminal timeframe, unmoving and unchanging, day after day. The darkness don't linger in the sky, but in the hearts of the PIECES. Doesn't matter if they're BLACK or WHITE. The BLACK KNIGHT has been around long enough to know everyone's rotten to the core.
The BLACK KNIGHT don't care about winnin' or losin', time travel or magic. What it cares about is JUSTICE. It's difficult carin' about justice in a place with no rules, where crime is not even technically possible it doesn't think.
Still, somebody's gotta root through the BOARD's collective trash. And the BLACK KNIGHT is it.
WHITE BISHOP A: Discover COMMUNISM, become COMMISSAR instead.
COMMUNISM? It's sorry, COMMUNISM!? What do you take it for? No, this piece is no fucking COMMUNIST. Its empire is going to be built on CAPITAL, the only REAL thing in the whole world. It fucking REFUSES to even CONSIDER the idea of communism.
WHITE KING: Screw the proletariat networks of CHESSBOOK and BOARDSPACE. Begin a FLAME WAR on CHECKGRAM.
The WHITE KING goes to CHECKGRAM, the preferred social media of ROYALTY. Only KINGS and QUEENS can use this network. Mostly they just yell at each other. It makes a taunting post disparaging the BLACK SIDE. This was a great use of its time.
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
White Pawn A: Summon literature on chess agriculture from the library
White Pawn D: DIG!!!! it will certainly improve you and your new allies' situation
— matpat
Oh wait black's turn is after white oops
Black Bishop: scale the tower bare handed (metaphorically) you have to trans the king NOW
— matpat
Black Pawn C: Look up
GREY JESTER: Do something. Come on. Incite some violence. Like... Influence the BLACK side to read KARL MARX to spite the obviously ANTI-COMMUNIST WHITES.
It'll get bloody.
RANDOM NUMBER GENERATED PIECE: JUMP OFF THE BOARD. SEE IF YOU CAN LAND ON A FURTHEST DOWN LAYER OF THE BOARD. YOUR SACRIFICE WILL BE WORTH IT
the epilogues are the best part of homestuck
==> Gamzee: Observe.
There is a flash of blue light tearing through time and space, and out of it comes a musty beat up clown.
His name is Gamzee Makara, and during some shenanigans involving some Time Tables and too much Sophor Slime Pie, he has found himself gazing upon... Something.
He doesn't understand it, or even want to know why. That would just ruin all these mOtHaHoNkIn MiRaClEs all up and living in this Liminal Space.
"wOw... WhAt A gAmE ):0)"
As he marvels at such mIrAcLeS, he slips forward just slightly due to balance issues afforded by The Sophor Slime Pie.
All that is heard is a "hOnK!"
All that is seen is a flash of blue.
The Clown has exited The Thread.
The Real Homestuck?
That's the friends we made along the way!
mIrAcLeS ):0)
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRealHomestuck/s/2gCp8ku8rH
White Queen: Attempt to do SOMETHING WILDLY OVER-AMBITIOUS and fail utterly.
"This is StuckUnderHell, nor am I out of it." - Mephistopheles
WHITE WARLOCK: Summon and read Beginner's Guide To Making And Selling Illegal Drugs
BLACK BISHOP A: Scale the KING'S TOWER! You need to TRANS it RIGHT NOW!
The BLACK BISHOP A uses the BLACK QUEEN as a stepladder, apologizing profusely the whole time.
There we go.
WHITE PAWN A: Conjure literature on CHESS AGRICULTURE from the library.
The WHITE PAWN A begins to bone up on FARMING. There's some good stuff in here! The WHITE PAWN A will certainly have a flourishing farm in no time.
BLACK PAWN C: Look up.
Not much to see.
WHITE PAWN D: DIG! Digging will help you and your allies, surely.
Looks like this floor isn't just a tile you can pull up. The WHITE PAWN D will need some time to get through this. Surely it'll help them get back up to the top layer. Somehow.
In the absence of anything else to do, the BLACK PAWN E and the GREY KNIGHT join in.
GREY JESTER: Do something! Please? Incite some violence! The BLACK SIDE could certainly use some COLLECTIVE ACTION, maybe some REVOLUTIONARY LITERATURE?
The GREY JESTER gets PISSED. You can't tell it what to do. It was having fun just watching. That's what clownly types like to do, y'know? Show up due to shenanigans, watch shit happen, appreciate it for what it is, and then dip with a honk and a twirl. Maybe it would have liked fucking with that GREY KNIGHT, but it is obviously GONE now, so what's the point?
The GREY JESTER says FUCK YOU FOR TRYING TO CONTROL IT, and unleashes a low-level CHAOS BOMB.
The WHITE PAWN A's FARMLAND is turned to DESERT. Out of spite.
The BLACK ROOK B gains the ability to fly, no RESEARCH required.
And a recently disposed-of WITNESS is returned to life, good as new.
Huh, two out of three of those results were a lot more benevolent than the GREY JESTER was hoping for. Well, that's the nature of CHAOS BOMB, it supposes.
It fucks off SOMEWHERE ELSE, to MAYBE BE SEEN AGAIN, BUT WHO KNOWS WHEN.
ANY PIECE: JUMP OFF THE EDGE to see what's down there.
It's BLACK's turn, and one of their PIECEs can FLY now, so sure. The FLYING ROOK dips below the surface to see if anything is happening. As it turns out, something is!
WHITE QUEEN: Attempt something AMBITIOUS, FAIL SPECTACULARLY.
The WHITE QUEEN prepares a spell. After today, NOBODY will be able to resist its WILES!
Except, obviously, it doesn't work. It'll need to RESEARCH something first, like everyone else.
WHITE has not moved. It is still WHITE's turn.
WHITE WARLOCK: Conjure and read a guide to MAKING AND SELLING ILLEGAL DRUGS.
MAKING them will be significantly easier than DISTRIBUTING them. They'll need a LAIR in which to cook, and a way to SELL their wares without getting caught. PROCURING INGREDIENTS will probably be pretty difficult, too.
The APPRENTICE WHITE PAWN wants to read too. It mostly just looks at the pictures.
Read Cold, Cold Flood on AO3!
BLACK BISHOP A: trans BLACK "KING"'s gender as quickly as possible
White Rook A: Nothing is happening! Do awesome quintuple front flip and land squarely in the middle of the board to INTIMIDATE the other team! You gotta attempt to instigate some fight in the battlefield, somehow.
idk how a 5x front flip would do that but thats all the white rook can think of trust
— matpat
BLACK BISHOP B: use power of imagination to enter MIND PALACE
