Your name is Bart Simpson, and it is November 1991. You are ten years old, and, to your knowledge, you always have been (save for a few family photos) a ten year old boy.
Today feels off. Something in the air, maybe. Mondays are like that; the anxiety of going to school settles in after the weekend, especially one as raucous as the last two days. You and your sister, Lisa—you have a sister, by the way—stayed up nearly all night watching some home-dubbed VHS copies of The Itchy & Scratchy Show.
Apparently, The Krusty the Clown Show is taking an extended hiatus for unknown reasons and for an unknown duration, so that left you and Lisa S.O.L. on the front of your favorite cartoons. Homer got after you and her for being up so late, especially "right before a school-night." His words, not yours.
Still, something just doesn't feel correct. Surely the feeling will pass, but the thought puts a lump in your throat regardless.
A question to end all questions appears in your mind. The world appears as a large, flat plane of opportunity. What will you, Bart Simpson, do today?
...But first, a word from our sponsor: the author.
- What is "SIMPSONQUEST: A Text-Based Springfield Adventure"?
SIMPSONQUEST is about plucky, mischievous 4th grader Bart Simpson navigating the town of Springfield, as dictated by reader commands (and authorial vetoes, if necessary).
- How can I, a lowly Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory forum user, contribute to the genius that is "SIMPSONQUEST: A Text-Based Springfield Adventure"?
Just as one might contribute to any forum-based adventure, you may reply with your wonderful ideas as to what our protagonist should do and how the story moves forward to an, ultimately, nebulous goal.
- What, exactly, will "SIMPSONQUEST: A Text-Based Springfield Adventure" deal with in terms of theme and topic?
SIMPSONQUEST is projected, or obligated, to at least mention the following things, which include, but are not limited to: Death, mental illness, grief, suicide, child abuse & neglect, milquetoast liberal homophobia & transphobia, gender dysphoria, misogyny, fascism & capitalism, communism, The Economy, swearing (e.g. shit), bad parenting, (heavy) alcohol consumption, ingestion of illegal substances, commentary on the state of television, pranks, saxophone, general cartoon violence, canon compliance, canon divergence, couch gags, inconsistent cultural references, catchphrases, Rock & Roll music, existential terror, rapping, and clown.
- Where are the pictures?
SIMPSONQUEST follows in the footsteps of text-based interactive fiction like Colossal Cave Adventure, Dunnet, the Zork series, and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy video game, meaning, no images. For now.
Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
